When I was a little girl my biggest fear was having children because of the amount of physical pain it can cause. I was always afraid of pain and needles and pretty much anything that was medical related. Fast forward to 2016, a year after my husband Solomon and I got married, I started to desire having a baby. When we were dating we always dreamed about what life would be like when we were married and how many kids we’d have. Needless to say my fear turned into desire. But I still to this day fear needles and physical pain and pretty much anything medical.
February 2016 we found out our family was growing. Our first child. My pregnancy with him was perfect. We announced the pregnancy the day after taking a pregnancy test. The pregnancy was great. I was afraid of course because I had no idea what to expect but we were so excited for our first baby. I had a scheduled induction that ended up failing and our son Nolan was born perfectly healthy through c-section in November 2016.
A year later we wanted to start trying again. In October 2017 I found out I was pregnant again but unfortunately lost that pregnancy to a chemical pregnancy the very next day. I was devastated.
Two months later, December 2017 we found out again that I was pregnant. This time with a healthy beautiful baby girl. I tried for a VBAC but my body did not cooperate and Audrey was born perfectly healthy through c-section in August 2018.
Yet about another year later, we wanted to try again. In early July of 2019 I was pregnant again. This time, I again started bleeding pretty soon after testing. We decided to continue trying and we found out again in August of 2019 that I was pregnant. And that line was dark. When I went in for my first appointment for that pregnancy we found out I had a complete molar pregnancy. Although I had no idea what a molar pregnancy was at the time, I was still devastated. We learned that with molar pregnancies, it’s very common to bleed early on as if you’re having a period or a chemical pregnancy which is what happened to me in July. We also learned what a molar pregnancy is. It is basically a bunch of grape like cysts that grow in your womb that can end up being cancerous. Sometimes there can even be a baby along with the cysts growing… this is called a partial molar pregnancy. Also your HCG levels go through the roof. You have to get the cysts removed through a D&C or hysterectomy depending on how bad the situation is. I had a D&C which was very hard for me to accept but knowing that there wasn’t actually a baby I felt peace about it. For months after the procedure you have to do blood work to make sure your HCG levels are dropping. They need to be between 5-0 for a few weeks straight to make sure that you do not have cancer. Praise God, my levels dropped to zero within 5 months. I was one of the lucky ones. I didn’t have to be treated with chemo to kill the cancer that could have developed.
By February 2020 my husband and I decided we were done trying for a third living baby and that we were “content” with only having two kids.
Over the next few years our hearts grew bitter and hard and kind of arrogant about having more kids. But all this time we just thought we grew contentment with only having two kids. It felt manageable and comfortable.
Well, God had plans to change our hearts. In July of 2022 we found out I was pregnant again after preventing pregnancy. I wasn’t on birth control but we were preventing. Our hearts were not joyful after finding out. We were done having kids, right? Or so I thought. This is where our hardened hearts had become… the thought of having another baby did not bring us joy.
After announcing the news to our family and friends it took us some time to come around to God’s new plan for us. We eventually got excited about this new plan. I was nauseous and tired all the time. We started picking names and I started feeling the flutters that I hadn’t felt in years. We were excited. God had softened our hearts to the idea of having one more baby.
October 24, 2022 I had my anatomy scan. We were excited to see the baby and learn gender so we could put the name we had picked out to the baby in my belly. Instead we found out that the baby’s heart wasn’t beating. I was in shock but I also had the biggest fear that this was the case after not feeling movement for awhile. I had a missed miscarriage. The baby stopped growing at 14 weeks and 2 days but I thought I was 19 weeks. My body still thought the baby was alive and I had no symptoms of a miscarriage except not feeling movement. But I figured it was just because most women don’t really start feeling the baby until close to 20 weeks even though I had already felt flutters just a month before.
October 25, 2022 I had to deliver this baby that God put in our lives and used to change our lives forever. We still didn’t even know the gender before the delivery. We also had to make decisions no parent should ever have to make. One of the decisions I will forever regret. We chose not to see the baby because I didn’t want to remember him or her that way. I had seen babies in the passed from working as a newborn hospital photographer that didn’t make it. So I knew what my baby would look like and I didn’t want that to be my last memory of the baby. I wanted my last memory of the baby to be alive in my belly doing somersaults. But I regret it. Deeply. But we did chose to find out the gender and put a name to the baby because they at least deserved that.
The next day at home we wanted to open the box the hospital had given us with our kids and to find out gender with them. The most amazing nurse had wrote a note that said “Your baby was a beautiful baby girl!” And her tiny footprints and handprints were in the envelope too. We chose to name her after both of our moms. Elizabeth Anne. That was not our original choice but it’s the only name that felt right.
About six months after losing Elizabeth Anne, God had continued to soften our hearts and gave us the desire to continue growing our family. We started trying again and I got pregnant again pretty quick. On July 7, 2023 almost to the day a year after finding out I was pregnant with Elizabeth Anne was when we found out I was pregnant with our third living child. Jack was born perfect and healthy in March 2024 through a scheduled c-section. My pregnancy with him was mentally and emotionally draining. Elizabeth Anne was due March 16, 2023 and Jack was due March 20, 2024. The amount of fear I had during my pregnancy with him was unreal. The timeline was pretty much exactly the same as my pregnancy with Elizabeth Anne just a year later. It took a lot out of me mentally. My church family was constantly reminding me of God’s goodness and faithfulness and to bring my fears and anxieties to Him. The further along I got the more hopeful I felt.
When I was pregnant with Jack I knew I wanted to try one last time as soon as my doctor said it would be safe. When Jack was 6 months old in September 2024 I wanted to start trying again for one last baby. This time it took us 4 months to get pregnant. We found out in February 2025 that I was pregnant again. We announced it at Jack’s first birthday party and everyone was shocked and so happy. I was so excited.
With this pregnancy I was not as afraid. I was so hopeful and could picture the baby and had a strong feeling from day one that we were having another girl! When I was 17 weeks we chose to find out gender through an ultrasound place and found out we were having a girl! We had the name Bonnie Ophelia already picked out. I was so excited to be able to honor my great grandma and my great aunt with the name Bonnie and another grandmother with the name Ophelia.
A few days after finding out Bonnie was a girl, I stopped hearing her heartbeat on my at home doppler that I’ve had since my first pregnancy. I started panicking and went to the doctor to find out what was going on. The doctor did a sonogram for me and found no heartbeat on our Bonnie. I was immediately broken. I couldn’t believe I was going through this exact nightmare again.
On May 17, 2025 delivery with Bonnie was the worst delivery I’ve ever had. It was the most painful physically and emotionally. I knew what to expect this time after delivering Elizabeth Anne. But this time we chose to see Bonnie Ophelia. After the worst pain I had ever felt I delivered Bonnie and we got to hold her and see her and kiss her tiny little body. She was perfect and beautiful and I’ll never forget her heart shaped lips.
I never imagined myself having to bury a child but now I had to bury two of my babies. I felt like God didn’t love me. Like I wasn’t one of his children because I felt like I was praying to a wall and pleading for God to keep her safe when I was pregnant with her and that didn’t happen. But none of that is true and I know that now. God does love me. He does hear my prayers. He does weep with me. And He is good!
After having Bonnie my husband and I still chose to not prevent pregnancy and to try again one more time. We found out on August 18, 2025 that I was pregnant again. My eighth pregnancy… including the chemical pregnancy and molar pregnancy. This time we did the genetic testing to make sure everything was ok and to find out gender. I had the strongest feeling that this baby was a boy. And the blood test confirmed that it is indeed a boy and Henry is due April 25, 2026. I am currently 29 weeks pregnant as of writing this and even though the first and second trimesters are the scariest for me, as of now in my third trimester, I am hopeful. I am excited. I am having a hard time bonding with Henry still but I am still hopeful. We are excited to meet our Henry and praying every day that God keeps his heart beating!
I write my story in hopes to be an encouragement. My prayer is that if my story is helpful for just one person and glorifying to God then I have succeeded. My encouragement to you is to cling to God in the trials and suffering. Cling to God in the darkness of grief. Run to Him with your prayers. Run to Him with your anger. If you’re not in a strong church that preaches what the Bible says, then you need one. Find a biblical support group. I had Hope Mommies walk with me through deep dark grief and they brought me back to Christ every time I needed it. Be in a strong godly community instead of when you don’t want to get out of bed or leave the house. And always trust God. Keep your faith strong. It doesn’t mean you’re moving on… it means you’re moving forward. You will never move on from losing a child. I still struggle with the same fears that I struggled with as a little girl but God is bigger than those fears. Even in those fears, try again and again… even if. It’s always worth it.
And thank God every day for choosing you to live out your heaven baby’s purpose here on earth.
For my Baby White, Elizabeth Anne and Bonnie Ophelia 🤍🦋🎀
Go chase the butterflies. I love you.
Oh God by Citizens, Fix my Eyes by Kings Kaleidoscope, Strong by Anne Wilson, Carry Me by Anne Wilson
After Elizabeth Anne I clung to Jeremiah 1:5 – “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you.”
The word consecrated means having been made or declared sacred. I believe God consecrated Elizabeth Anne in my womb before I knew she was gone. I believe that the last time I remember her leap in my womb was when she saw Jesus. I believe that’s when she was declared sacred.
After Bonnie I clung to Psalm 127:3 – “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”
I believe that even though I lost my girls, they are still a reward from the Lord. They are still a heritage from the Lord. Just because I’ve had losses doesn’t make the fruit of the losses any less meaningful.
The story of David in 2 Samuel 12 resonated with me too. After his child died in verse 19 it continues to say in verse 20 –
“Then David arose from the earth and washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. He then went to his own house. And when he asked, they set food before him, and he ate.” I strongly believe that in the midst of hardship and trials you need to be in church. You need to be with strong godly people who will help lead you and guide you to Christ. Even if you don’t want to show up, the hard thing is to be in church but that’s the one place you need to be during trials.
My church is amazing. They rallied behind me and provided meals and snacks and treats. People came into my house to hug me and pray for me and just let me talk and cry. People offered to watch my living kids so I could have some time to myself if I needed it. Family made sure I was taken care of. Our pastors cared for us and had grief counseling sessions with us.
People should not be silent even if they don’t know what to say. If someone you love has lost a child in any capacity, just bring them a meal or sending a text just to say “I’m praying for you and I love you” is enough. Not saying anything because you’re worried about saying the wrong thing is the wrong thing to do. If God is nudging you to say or do something, do it. I promise… you can’t make them feel worse than they already feel but you can make them feel a little better and less alone.
Picturing my girls in heaven with Jesus is so peaceful to me. I imagine Jesus sitting there with all the children telling them about how he died on the cross and how amazing it was. Elizabeth Anne and Bonnie are living a far better life than I could have ever given them as their mother here on earth. They get to constantly be worshipping our creator and party with Jesus every day.
Hope in the Mourning has reminded me that I’m not alone in my grief. As isolating as grief can be, it’s so encouraging to know that I’m not alone. And that God is still good even in the darkness of grief.