There is an image of a long dark stretch of highway that will forever live in my mind. It was like everything around me was moving in slow motion. That’s the best way I can describe how I felt the moment I got the call. The detective on the other end of the phone tried to gently deliver the grievous news. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this; your husband’s been arrested for first degree murder.”
My heart sank. I was on the road driving out of state, pregnant, and traveling with my other 5 kids in the car. There was no time to break down. I asked, “Who, who was it?” The detective was silent. I knew. His silence said everything.
Just a few hours earlier that day, on November 16, 2023, the Lord graciously put on my heart to leave my home with my kids. My husband had not slept in days, was suffering from paranoia, and delusions. This was not our first rodeo, I knew the signs. I asked him several times throughout the week as I noticed his behavior become more and more unstable. “Are you using again?” Days went by and he denied it. I prayed. Many times, I called out to our good Father in heaven, for strength, for protection, for wisdom, for mercy. I knew my husband was lying, I pleaded with the Lord to help me discern what I should do. Finally, my husband admitted it, he was back on meth.
I knew, as the days progressed and my husband became more agitated, when I became the object of his paranoia, we needed to leave.
During my husband’s first relapse a year and a half prior to this one, I was crippled by fear and shame and suffered through navigating that challenging season alone. I chose to distance myself from those that love me, those that care for me. I chose to amputate myself from the body of Christ. Understanding the trials of having a loved one bound by substance abuse and addiction is a deep, painful challenge. You want to be long suffering, and forgiving, and your loved one’s support. But at the same time, the need to acknowledge the very present danger is necessary. This time, I would not make the same mistakes I made before. This time, I reached out to family for help. My father-in-law was staying with my husband and me in our home. The morning I left, I explained to him I did not feel comfortable or safe staying home while pregnant with the kids, and asked him to, essentially, do an intervention for his son, my husband. We just could not have imagined that it would be the last conversation I would have with my father-in-law. We could not have known my father-in-law would tragically lose his life, and my husband would be arrested and charged in connection with it.
The weeks and months that followed the news of this horrific event were difficult to wrap my head around, and even still are over a year later. Having the gracious gift of godly leaders and counsel in my life and the lives of my children has been invaluable in thinking through this painful reality. My heart grieves over what happened. It’s a painful picture of what sin, addiction, and spiritual darkness can produce when left unaddressed. Sowing seeds of humility and submission to the Lord combat anger, pride, and idolatry—sins that, apart from the grace and mercy of Christ, any of us are capable of. To have looked in the eyes of such depravity, and the Lord seeing fit to allow my children and me to escape with our lives, really makes the troubles that followed—being homeless, not having a job, and needing to find a way to support us—seem so much more trivial.
Another day, new mercies, God is not finished with me yet.
Quite literally overnight, I lost my husband, my father-in-law, my home, my job, every earthly security the Lord saw fit to strip from me. I walked in faith every day that the Lord who spared my life would have His way with me, whatever circumstances He saw fit. I was challenged with the thought, do I truly believe where the Lord has me is for my good, and His glory? The answer is yes! The lyrics to my favorite hymn come to mind, “What riches of kindness He lavished on us, His blood was the payment, His life was the cost. We stood ‘neath a debt we could never afford. Our sins they are many, His mercy is more.”
On the day I left my home, I knew I needed to get far enough away from my husband that he could not easily find us. As the Lord would have it, my aunt and uncle opened their home to my kids and me, offering to host us through my pregnancy. I was on the road to Georgia the night I got that life-changing call. We stayed there through the winter and fall. I was sure this would be our new home, a fresh start. I was pregnant after all, and prayed constantly for the little baby boy the Lord was knitting together in my womb.
The questions began coming from the rest of my kids. “Mommy call Abba.” “We can’t call him guys. I’m sorry but we just can’t right now.” I prayed. I prayed for the Lord’s peace and strength for all of us. In the Lord’s providence my husband had started a new job and had been traveling for work. He was only home about 2 weeks, after having been gone several months, before this happened. So, in a way, the Lord had prepared us to be without him. I continued to pray for the Lord to grant me wisdom and discernment. There were so many decisions to be made. Should we stay and settle in Georgia, or re-establish ourselves back in Florida? I spent hours upon hours researching, making calls, sending emails, and fervently praying for the Lord to make clear what He would have me do. After I got a referral through an 800 number that I had called for homeless assistance, I received an email from a non-profit organization that had funding for housing assistance for female veterans with children in Florida. There was my answer, so evident and clear! So, with the help and counsel of the faithful leaders at both Faith Community church in Woodstock, GA and Grace Immanuel Bible Church in Jupiter, FL, I loaded up my van and, 36 weeks pregnant, my 5 kiddos and I made our way on a road trip back to Florida.
A sweet family from church graciously hosted us while I searched for our landing place. This family had also experienced the pain of the murder of a family member, and my time spent there was so refreshing and such a gift from the Lord in the specific ways they were able to encourage my heart!
The day I went into labor with my sixth child, my dear friend and host of the property we were staying, accompanied me to the hospital. The delivery of my 5th child came with some very serious potentially life-threatening complications, so I went into this delivery praying. I prayed the Lord would see fit for a natural birth, without complication, swift and smooth. Gideon made his way into the world April 5th, 2024, the day before my sixth-year wedding anniversary. And as the Lord would see fit, my son looks just like his grandpa, my father-in-law. I was reminded of Job 1:21 “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Another answer to prayer, a successful delivery to a healthy baby boy. Gideon endured so much with me in my womb. Gideon, the name I chose after the one the Lord would use in Judges chapter 6 to free His people from their oppressors at that time. Gideon, who tore down the altar his father built to the false god, and rebuilt the alter to the One true God. The youngest of his brothers, he saw himself as the least in his family, and yet, the Almighty God would use him in such a mighty way! The Lord preserved him, was patient with him, and chose Him to fulfil an incredible purpose. In His kindness and graciousness, the Lord sustains us all!
Now that Gideon was born, it was time for me to begin the search for where we would call our new home. The thing is, the non-profit would help me with some of the financial load of finding a place, but I still had to qualify and be approved for the home on my own. With no job, no proof of income, a newborn plus 5 kids, this seemed like an impossible task. On paper, I wouldn’t even rent to me if I was a landlord, I thought. I found online what would be an ideal space for the kids and me. I prayed. Prayed that the Lord would allow this to be our new home. And once again the Lord answered that prayer. He made a way where I truly did not see one, and my rental application was approved! Psalm 145:19, “He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He will also hear their cry and will save them.”
The kids and I moved in and settled down well into our wonderful new space. It is the most spacious, updated home I have personally ever lived in, what a kindness from the Lord! One thing I was not prepared for was how difficult unpacking would be. Setting aside the family photos that once hung on my walls, sorting through what my life once was, and what it will never again be. Moving into our new home was undoubtably an incredible grace from the Lord; however, what also came with that were household bills. Finding a home was one thing. Keeping it—that’s a whole other ball game. I prayed. Prayed for the Lord to provide me a job that would allow me to continue to homeschool my kids. Daycare would be far too expensive for a family as large as mine, so the standard 9-5 just would not work for me. Having so many little ones, a job that required me to be on the phone all day did not fit the bill either. The Lord knew, I needed a job. Then, I got the call. A dear sister from church recommended me for a job that checked every box for what my need was—schedule-wise, salary-wise, a job I had the experience and skill set for as a private duty caregiver for an elderly saint from our church. This was it. And again, the Lord answered my prayer.
There are times at church someone asks how me I am doing, and after expressing the season the Lord has me, solo mother of 6, parenting seasons of life from infant to teen, working full time, home schooling, their jaws drop. “How do you do it?” My honest answer, I cannot, but God can! He will and He does. He is worthy to be praised!
This trial is far from over, but what I can clearly see is John 5:14, “This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us”. So many dynamics to navigate. How am I to explain to my kids what has happened? The tragic loss of a family member under devastating circumstances. Grandpa, who they called “Papi” is gone. Some days are heavy, but every day is hopeful when we know where our true hope lies.
I have been prayed for, poured into, fed both literally and spiritually and served by my brothers and sisters in Christ, and for that I am so incredibly grateful. The Lord continues to loudly proclaim, “I am with you”, through His providences, and His people! Even most recently, the newest Pastor the Lord has brought into our church, having experienced the tragic murder of a family member, sharing the impact it had on him as a young man, and what a huge encouragement it has been to me thinking through walking my children through this trial. The Lord has connected me with women who also have husbands who are incarcerated, and we have been able to encourage one another as we walk through the challenges and heartache this reality brings. Having an incarcerated spouse is a grief that lingers quietly but relentlessly, creeping in are thoughts of what we thought our life would be. While they are still alive, they are no longer present. It is a unique kind of loss, and yet the Lord’s providence would bring others alongside me that can share in the distinctness of this grief. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
The Lord continues to humble me, keeping me dependent on Him. Every moment, of every day, my need for my Savior is present indeed. The joy of the Lord is our strength, and may we all rejoice in the Lord’s goodness, knowing and trusting in Him who is at work in all of our suffering. 1 Peter 5:10 “After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.”
This is a personal account of events as I experienced them. Legal proceedings mentioned are ongoing, and no conclusions are intended regarding guilt or innocence.