On August 4th, 2023, I found out that I was pregnant with our second born. Although pleasantly surprised, it was exactly what my husband and I had been praying for. A few months later, right before Thanksgiving, we found out we were having a little girl. She would be the perfect addition to our little family. After a trying prior year with my husband Ryan’s job loss, we were so happy and delighted to have such wonderful news. I’ll never forget when he told me he had the perfect name for our girl, “Elianna” meaning “answered prayer.” Not only had God answered our prayer of Ryan receiving another job, but He had answered our prayer of growing our family. I remember praying so hard before our anatomy scan that God would bless Ryan with his desire to have a daughter. I was so nervous to receive the results but elated when that prayer (God already having answered it) was revealed!
Carrying Elianna was full of joy. She was a super active baby. Our son (only a year old at this point) was very interested and connected to her all throughout her time in my womb. Looking back, this is special to me because it was the only time they spent together earthside. I really couldn’t believe I had the blessing and privilege to carry this little girl, it honestly felt like a dream.
The morning I started to labor, I had my last appointment. I was a day over my “due date.” I was 2cm dilated and my girl’s heartbeat was heard. I headed out for a walk with my mom, took my son home and labored well throughout the rest of the day. Around 11pm that night, we decided it was time to go to the hospital to have this baby girl. I’ll never forget the drive there, I had four strong contractions like I had never felt before. I couldn’t even sit! When we got to the hospital I was told I was 8cm and almost ready to have this baby. I was elated I had made it so far along being that I had only made it to half a cm with our firstborn.
We got settled into the room and the monitor they had placed to hear the baby’s heart rate was seemingly “not working.” Another nurse brought another monitor, but the room grew very cold and quiet. Shortly after the doctor wheeled in a small ultrasound machine. I was in so much pain from my contractions I barely understood what was going on.
Within 30 minutes of being in room #2, we were told that our little girl did not have a heartbeat. The numbness and shock that overcame my body was like nothing I have ever experienced before. I remember the nurses telling me it wasn’t my fault and then I just remember quietly laying there. The next thing I remember is my parents walking into our hospital room at around 2:30/3am. Time felt like it was moving so quickly. At this point, because of pain medications, my contractions had subsided and I just laid there waiting to have someone tell me to do the inevitable and “push!” The fact of the matter is, I really thought keeping our daughter inside my womb was the safest place she could be and I didn’t want to face the reality of her lifeless body.
Around 4:15am, my dad came over to my bedside and told me, very lovingly, what nobody else wanted… “you need to push her out.” At this point, I had been hearing the neighboring mothers beside my room laboring and hearing the cries of healthy babies being born. I reached over to my husband and asked him to get me his airpods. I had already prepared what I thought was going to be my “birth playlist” for when I labored with Elianna. The first song I picked was “More than Able” a song about God doing the impossible. I was so sure God was going to do a miracle and save everyone in that room. I knew and believed what Jesus did in His ministry here on earth and was confident He would raise my little girl back to life. Well, that song ended and so did some more. Then the song “Goodness of God” started to play. As it reached the end, my little girl made her way out, finishing with the song “He’s always been faithful” by Sara Groves. Fitting that as I prepared to meet my long-awaited daughter, the Lord was already lifting my eyes to look upon Him: my first awareness and glimmer of hope: God was good and He was still faithful even though He hadn’t answered my prayer in the way I wanted Him to.

We got to spend a little over 7 hours with our daughter Elianna Mae Meza. She was absolutely perfect. A head full of hair, 6lb 7oz and 20 inches long. We got to have her dressed, pictures taken, and molds of her footprints and handprints made. I will never forget those hours we got to spend with her. Although they were special, I also had such an awareness that this wasn’t the fullness of the little girl who was once in my womb. I had a peace very quickly that Elianna was with Jesus.
God had given us the most wonderful staff to help us along this journey. The nurse I had assigned to me, cried as she left me to finish off her shift. I’ll never forget her whispering in my ear, “I’ll never forget you and Elianna.” I think it was the first time someone said her name. Next walked in the same exact nurse we had that helped me deliver our firstborn son, Lincoln. I was in shock when Ryan said, “honey it’s Jenna!” Oh how my God loves me!
The hours after she left were extremely surreal and exhausting. It was so strange to be at the hospital, in a room I knew should have been with my sweet baby girl. I was so thankful for a quick healing and departure from the place where we had to say goodbye to our daughter.
A few days after we came home from the hospital, I knew I needed to sit at Jesus’ feet. I remember not knowing where to even open my Bible to, but I knew I “needed” to do my Bible study homework so I just went to where I last had left off. The first passage I read was, 2 Timothy 2:3-7 “You therefore must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. No one engaged in warfare entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please Him who enlisted him as a soldier. And also if anyone competes in athletics, he is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. The hardworking farmer must be first to partake of the crops. Consider what I say, and may the Lord give you understanding in all things.”
I felt like I received my marching orders from the Lord. I felt like He was saying to me, “Abby, you have an opportunity to please me through this, to walk faithfully beside me, to be strengthened by me, to not get tangled in your hardship or what other people may or may not say, but to endure this hardship as a good soldier of mine.” Shortly after I also received this verse from the Lord, “What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs!” (Matthew 10:27) I knew God was saying that Elianna’s life was going to be a testimony for His sake, for the gospel! Her life would truly be a vessel of hope to this hopeless world.
God is still GOOD amidst life’s circumstances and oftentimes I believe we can’t see or realize this because of our own decisions not to. F.B Meyer says, “He nevertheless refused to allow his circumstances to come between himself and God.” Although the feelings have come and gone, I was not and still am not willing to let my anger, my hurt, my wound, what other people say/have said, my present reality, to come between myself and my God.
It was very quickly after this, I really believe God revealed to me the many ways that He had been preparing myself and our family to meet this trial, all of these further details bring about more HOPE. Psalm 139:5 says this, “You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.”

The ways God prepared us:
- Two years before I felt the Lord give me a real desire and longing for heaven, it was actually when I was pregnant with my son. Fittingly, during that time, my mom actually asked me to teach the women’s Bible study about the passage in 1 Thessalonians 4 that talked about Heaven… “we don’t sorrow as those who have no hope.” This I now know was God preparing me to meet this reality a short two years after.
- After Lincoln (our firstborn son) was born, I used to rock him to bed with the old hymn “when we all get to Heaven.” Again, I believe God was preparing my heart for Heaven. January and February, the months before Elianna’s due date, the Lord had been teaching me a lot about suffering in my devotions. How we are to welcome suffering and not strong arm it.
- I’ll never forget sharing with my mom one night after women’s study that God had been teaching me about suffering, it was actually the night we made our new set of care baskets for women in our church. I actually prayed at our table that whoever was to receive the basket would accept it willingly for whatever reason it was being given to them. Do you know who received the first basket? Me. God knew. He was lovingly preparing my heart.
- Crazy enough, the week we lost Elianna– a few days prior to it, one of Ryan’s coworker’s and his wife had shared their story about how they lost their daughter the same way we lost ours. They had no clue of what we were about to face, but the Lord did! Already someone who knew our pain in the deepest and most relatable way.
- Losing Ryan’s job in the prior year also had gotten us cleared for Elianna’s birth to be completely paid for. We were so thankful God was using one season of suffering to bless another, especially after losing her. The last thing we wanted to do was feel the weight of medical bills after such an unexpected loss.
In the weeks after, we were so lovingly cared for by those around us. We also got report, medically, that there was nothing they could pinpoint on why we lost our daughter. No cord tie, issues with my placenta, blood disorders, etc. My doctor told us that we could start trying for another baby once my body had regulated and was back on course. The Lord gave me peace in this and immediately gave me this picture of Elianna’s life being a locked box and God only having the key to all of the information inside of it.
About a month later– God reaffirmed what He had told me in a devotional as it said, “To my amazement, the Lord himself came and stood by m. He stretched out His hand to take the key, and as I placed it there, I saw it touch that sacred scar. I was filled with remorse as I wondered how I could ever have complained about anything done by Him who bore such sacred signs of His love. Then He took the key and hung it on His belt. I asked, “do you keep the key to the winds? “I do my child,” He graciously answered. As He spoke I noticed all the keys to my life were hanging there as well. He saw my look of amazement and asked, “Did you not know, dear child, that my Kingdom rules over all?” “If you rule over all,” I questioned, “is it safe to question or complain about anything?” Then He tenderly laid His hand upon me to say, “My dear child, your only safety comes from loving, trusting, and praising me through everything.” (Mark Guy Pease). It is only through Christ, we can have hope presently because of the truth that He offers us. It can bring a peace to our lives that nothing else in this world offers
Jeremiah 33:3 God promises this to those that believe in Him, “Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” As I fumbled through each day, the Lord led me to the story of Hannah and Samuel in the Bible. I wanted to disregard this story, because Hannah prayed for a baby and God gave her that baby, but as I turned my memory back to her story I remembered: Hannah received her baby, but shortly after dedicated her baby back to the Lord. Although our stories are not parallel, I felt like the Lord was showing me all the things He had planned to use Elianna’s life for now that she was in Heaven. If she had been in my household, much like if Samuel had been in Hannah’s household, maybe the same powerful things could not have taken place? God was reminding me that Elianna’s life had already done so much powerful work for the Kingdom of Heaven. I also received hope in this story because God continued to bless Hannah and her husband with more children, as He did the same in our home. Three months after we lost Elianna we became pregnant once again with our son Benjamin.
I still feel so insufficient and unable to carry the weight of every day. There are days when I have doubts, fears, longings, questions, etc. Yet! Suffering has truly produced in me perseverance to face the unavoidable, character to respond instead of react in difficult situations, and a present hope that I know is lasting.
Although I miss our daughter with every fiber of my being and wish she could be here with me earthside, I know that one day I will spend eternity with her in Heaven and that brings me hope to carry on and share all the things the Lord has done in her story.
What scripture did you cling to on your hardest days and nights?
- Psalm 121:1-2 says “I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord the Maker of the Heavens and Earth.”
- Psalm 73:28 says, “It is GOOD for me to draw near to the Lord; I have put my trust in the Lord God that I may declare your works.”
- Psalm 139:5 says, “You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.”
- Jeremiah 33:3 says, “Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”
- James 1: 2-4 says” Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
What songs or hymns comforted you?
- “Christ our Wisdom” by Sovereign Grace Music
- “No one ever cared for me like Jesus” by The Worship Initiative
- “He will hold me fast” by Keith and Kristen Getty
- “What a friend we have in Jesus” by The Worship Initiative
- “Moon River” by JJ Heller (Elianna’s lullaby, each of my kids have a lullaby from the same artist and album– this is hers)
- “The Story I’ll tell” by The Worship Initiative
- “Resurrender” by Hillsong Worship
- “Maybe the Miracle” by Lizzie Morgan
- “Lead me on” by Chandler Moore
- “You know what I need” by Pat Barrett
- “Because He lives” by Caleb and Kelsey
- “Run to Jesus” by Sovereign Grace Music
- “I will carry you” by Selah
What did people do that ministered to you?
When people listened, it ministered to me the most. I believe it’s true that most people who are grieving just need a listening ear and someone to stand beside them. It also ministered to me when people got me something that made them think of our daughter Elianna. Since no one really had any “memories” with her here earthside or pictures they could share, the items they got or purchased for us made me feel like other people knew her well. Meals were a blessing, paper products so we did not have to do dishes for a while, people coming over to keep me company after my husband went back to work and just the texts/cards that we received as well.
What should people not say or do to others in a similar situation?
I had some people ask me right away what the causes of her death were, that was very difficult for me to try to explain (story wise) what had happened, etc. It wasn’t helpful to have to be a strong shoulder for other people to cry on during my daughter’s death. I had people stay away during this period of time and made me have to initiate the first “hello” and that felt difficult as well.
What hope has Jesus given you in the loss of your daughter?
The Lord has strengthened my hope 10-fold. He has spoken to me in such personal ways, become a closer friend than anyone I know, and reminded me that He weeps with me in the loss of my daughter just as much as I do. I know God is not finished with her and my story just yet, He will continue to touch lives for His glory.
How has Hope in the Mourning encouraged you?
I have not read this book but stumbled across its ministry page on Instagram. I plan to purchase and read it in the future as I have been able to read and glean from many wonderful books about loss and grief since the time my daughter has gone to be with the Lord. Some of which include: A Grace Disguised, I Will Carry You, Suffering, and What Grieving People Wish You Knew (what helps and really hurts).